Orthodox Jewish Modesty Between Couples, Is Truly Amazing
Orthodox Jewish husbands avert women who aren't family members.
And ultra-Orthodox mothers of eight children are also businesswomen and teachers, involved in raising money for orphans.
posted by VOS IZ NEIAS @ 2/20/2006 10:36:00 AM
5 Comments:
At 10:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
I don't know why you dont post this entire article, Although this might be a sensitive issue to post on your news blog, i think you should post it, its a big KIDISH HASHEM.
Your news blog is read by many sides of the isle, therefore I suggest you post this. Its a Gevaldiga KIDISH HASHEM, especially in now days when many in Frum and Chasidic community are rebellion, and try to become more secular by thinking of having a more open sexual life style they will be happier.
At 10:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
B.Ch. sorry, but i do understand Shloma's decision not to post this article, he was one of the sites that were mentioned by some leaders (at the last meeting in Lakwood) as being real kosher and sensitive to Yiddishkiet and therefor they gave the OK for filter sites to let it through on their web browsers
Good decision Shloma, keep up doing the holy work
At 10:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry Shloma and sorry anonymous but B. CH and yenta are right
therefor here you have the full article
Orthodox Jews' modest proposal
Unlike 'liberated' women and men, they know self-control is key to intimacy, says WENDY SHALIT
12:00 AM CST on Sunday, February 19, 2006
Seven years ago, I noticed that many young women were becoming disenchanted with casual sex. Meanwhile, waiting for The One was seen as a bit pathological or for those with "hang ups."
Associated PressUltra-Orthodox Jewish husbands avert their gaze from undressed women, and they don't hug women who aren't family members.
Single at the time, I decided to pen a defense of sexual modesty. I knew that my arguments – for instance, that preserving the erotic depends on a sense of mystery – might be challenged, but having just graduated college, I was naive enough to imagine that dissenters would marshal arguments. Nothing prepared me for the onslaught of tongue-lashings I would receive from my elders.
Fellow writers likened me to an SS officer, accused me of wanting to drag women into burkas – and these were the more polite reactions. My favorite attack came from The Nation, which solemnly foretold I would "certainly be embarrassed" and regret my stance "in a few years." I should be ashamed of myself. To some baby boomers, I would learn, modesty is much worse than adultery.
Even my defenders had strange notions at times. I'll never forget the man who approached me after I spoke at NYU. "Nice talk, but I hope you don't end up like those Orthodox Jewish women," he warned ominously, "you know, the ones hunched over their baby carriages!" Then he began hobbling around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame pushing an imaginary stroller.
As anyone who knows me will attest, I am very rarely at a loss for words. But this time I was simply stunned.
It was then that I began to wonder: Was the life of a traditional Jewish woman really so oppressive? Raised an assimilated Jew – my sisters and I once won our local "Irishfest" by singing Christmas carols, and, no, we're not Irish either – I decided I would need to investigate this Orthodox business properly.
I spent a few years studying in Israel, and I also spent time among American Jews known as "ultra-Orthodox." I met mothers of eight children who were also businesswomen and teachers, involved in raising money for orphans (you know, on the side). Were they hunched over? Frankly, I couldn't begin to keep up with them. In fact, the more time I spent with traditional Jews, the more I saw how normal their attitude is toward sexuality. How it is precisely not "extreme."
Take a recent example. Last August in The New York Times, a therapist named Keith Ablow noted that a number of his male patients no longer felt attracted to their wives after witnessing them give birth. The article inspired a slew of personal attacks, not only on the author, but on the poor men themselves. Although they reported that their feelings were beyond their control, the men were immediately ridiculed in the blogosphere – called "sexist" and abused with various obscenities.
But this new cultural expectation that a husband watch every detail of his baby's entrance into the world – or else – what if this attitude is the one that's extreme?
Orthodox Jewish women, it seems to me, strike a more reasonable balance. Their husbands can be found in the delivery room, but always sitting by the wife's head or to the side, saying prayers and giving encouragement – but never actually watching the baby come out in our favored full-frontal position. This is specifically prohibited by Jewish law, because the connection between seeing the birth itself and diminished male desire has been understood for thousands of years. In Judaism, preserving the intimate relationship between husband and wife is thought to be more important than worshipping at the altar of the Totally Involved Spouse Who Must See Everything. But people are so dogmatic about this subject that it's hard to have a rational discussion.
The October 2005 Marie Claire provided another window into postmodern extremism. Five "confident" women are showcased – a nurse, a musician, a dancer, a sales agent and a testing-lab proctor – all of whom posed in the buff for the magazine. As we are told, "These women are actually more confident naked than clothed." Then the editors pointedly demand, "Are you?"
In case you missed the lesson, if you don't want to show your naked tush to millions of strangers, then, baby, you've got a confidence problem.
Actually, the contemporary woman seems to have a lot of problems. She is deemed to have "jealousy issues" if she cannot grasp why her boyfriend requires "lap dances" from strippers. In her new book Pornified, Pamela Paul interviews 24-year-old Ashley, insecure because her boyfriend visits strip bars to get lap dances every month or so. Ashley tries "to explain why I thought it was offensive," but to no avail.
Ms. Paul also reports that increasing numbers of men are finding it impossible to perform with their girlfriends and wives because sex has become so "demystified." Shockingly, when given a choice between a real woman and their Internet porn, many choose the porn.
It all begs the question: If doing away with modesty was supposed to be liberating, why is the sex now so bad? Why should men and women be further apart than ever?
To me, the essential confusion comes down to mistaking modesty for shame. If you think sexuality should be private, goes the prevailing view, then you must be ashamed of it. You must be a prude. Conversely, if you are "comfortable with your sexuality," then you should be "cool" with lifting your shirt for strangers, or cheering on your man as he watches hard-core porn – even standing by supportively while he enjoys lap dances.
If you're like me, you wonder how this harem mentality is liberating for women. History has taught us a surprising lesson: Real intimacy flourishes only where there's also restraint. Having sex for its own sake, without waiting to integrate our deepest emotions and hopes, at best becomes boring, fast. At worst, men and women end up competing over how cruelly they can use one another.
In truth, the real reason for sexual modesty is not shame, but an awareness of how precious we are. Studies consistently show that the higher a girl's self-worth, the more likely she is to wait for sex. Even after the wedding, an ongoing concern for modesty preserves a married couple's sensitivity and attraction to each other. Orthodox men make a concerted effort not to look at undressed women who aren't their wives, whether it's on a beach or at a newsstand. They avert their gaze.
Why is the Orthodox view of modesty so misunderstood? In essence, Judaism challenges everything most people hold to be true about sexuality – namely, that it must never be "regulated." I'm not talking about fear of government regulation here. I mean the way that any personal boundary is seen to be a kind of violation of one's authentic self. Most of us recognize that being desensitized to the power of sexuality is sad, that if you've gotten to the point where stopping for a lap dance is like stopping at McDonald's, then you're missing out.
Yet instituting concrete boundaries to preserve sensitivity – such as not hugging people of the opposite sex outside one's family – is still seen as absurd. Nonetheless, I maintain that examining our sexual values from the vantage point of Orthodox Jews can be refreshing. If you pull aside a religious woman from Jerusalem and try to explain our debate over whether your boyfriend receiving a "lap dance" from a stripper constitutes cheating, she will surely think it is our culture that's gone completely crazy. Indeed, she might argue with good reason that we are the ones who are "repressed" about sexuality. Emotionally repressed, that is.
And could you really blame her? When it comes to modesty, I often wonder, who are the real extremists? Those who insist that only public and tawdry displays of sexuality are legitimate, or those who appreciate privacy and restraint as necessary components for attaining real intimacy?
Wendy Shalit is the author of "A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue," and the founder of ModestyZone.net, through which you may contact her. She lives with her family in Toronto, where she's at work on her second book. This essay is adapted, with permission, from In Character magazine (www.incharacter.org).
At 11:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
Anonymous said...
B.Ch. sorry, but i do understand Shloma's decision not to post this article, he was one of the sites that were mentioned by some leaders (at the last meeting in Lakwood) as being real kosher and sensitive to Yiddishkiet and therefor they gave the OK for filter sites to let it through on their web browsers
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I am very curious to know exactly who does the Lakewood Rabbonim hire to decide whether a particular site is appropriate or not.
I know it would not be a liberal jew, and for sure not a goy.
So is it a Heimisher yid? If so, how can they make this Yid into a ginny pig.
How can they expose him to things that are possibly questionale to our Emunah and Hashkafa?
At 7:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
really poor reasoning, lots of leaps in logic.
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